| Don't Eat
your Soup with a Fork - And Other Conseils of French Politesse |
Want to win the prize for faux-pas? Here's what
to do : when you're invited out to dinner, show up carrying a
large bouquet of chrysanthemums (reserved exclusively for cemeteries),
come an hour too early or too late (a quarter of hour before
of after the time announced is acceptable). |
When seated at the table, excuse
yourself and say "I'm going to the bathroom" (you're
supposed just to slip discreetly away), leave half of everything
you eat on your plate, cut the salad with a knife and a fork,
serve yourself wine and look ostentatiously at the label, and
leave before midnight, having yawned loudly, without bothering
to cover your mouth.
Those are only a few of the pitfalls
of dining out in France. While politesse in France, as in any
country, covers a multitude of formalities ranging from hand-kissing
to curtsies, table manners are definitely he first "must"
for foreigners- and the French themselves- to master. The list
of what and what not to do is so impressive that for many foreigners,
getting through a dinner in France is like picking one's way
through a minefield.
Most of the things you need to
know about dining out are negative. Don't offer carnations -
they bring bad luck. Don't take the hostess flowers - send them
before or after. Don't show up with either spare friends or animals
without asking first.
The latter may seem obvious.
But, says Princess Beris Kandaouroff, an Englishwoman who is
the author of "The Art of Living - Etiquette for the Permissive
Age" and the hostess of several French TV programs on etiquette
: "I once invited the owner of a zoo to my house and he
showed up with a lion. Imagine the pandemonium a lion can cause
in a house with other pets!" While most people don't run
around with a lion on the loose, the arrival of a stranger in
a house to whom one is invited can cause trouble. "Always
give the name of the extra person" warns the Princess
"it may just be the very person the hostess or one of the
guests doesn't want to run into."
The number of mistakes you can
make at a dinner table staggers the imagination. The first thing
to know is that once you get to the table, you should never leave
it except in dire stress (and even then you are to fade gently
away).
The second thing you should be
aware of is le respect du pain. From the time he learns
to chew, every Frenchman is taught that bread is not to be wasted.
Hence, bread is served already cut and you take just what you
will eat. If there is a baguette on the table, you break it and
not cut it. And of course, bread is placed on the table, not
on the plate. Inveterate crust-eaters are advised to be on the
look-out for crusty pieces. Under no circumstances should bread
be used to sop up sauce (even with a fork). This rule is violated
daily by millions of Frenchmen en famille - but when out,
it is best to resist temptation.
According to the Princess, the
only foods that a guest can refuse are oysters and curry- and
even then, a hostess shouldn't serve these dishes without inquiring
beforehand about her guests' tastes.
Leaving food on the plate is
tantamount to telling the hostess that the food was awful. Woe
be the guest who leaves sizeable proportions of uneaten food
on his plate.
The French have perfected the
art of eating with knives and forks - and therefore, one should
know that picking up a leg of chicken (or eating the meat off
a pork chop, etc.) is definitely gauche. The French go so far
as to eat fruit with knives and forks. Says Linda Castoriano,
an American who has lived in France eight years with her French
husband :"I was in a restaurant once and saw a lady eating
a banana with a knife and a fork". Il faut le
faire.
Some manners are definitely Latin.
For example, good manners in France decree that hands should
be on the table (lest, of course, there be any hanky-panky
going on under it).
|
At the table, salad should never
be cut with a knife - but if the leaf is really too big, one
can choose between trying to fold the lettuce over and over again
with the fork - at the risk of having it pop up and unfold just
as it gets to the mouth - or as a last resort, cut. If you're
having to fold a lot, the hostess is to blame for having served
such large pieces.
Someone should, or probably has
written a novel about how to cut cheeese. According to the Princess,
grutère is cut lengthwise and round cheese is cut by making
round wedges. Roqueforts and all blues are cut so that the last
person doesn't end up with all the white. Wrappings and labels
are not to appear on the cheese. Some French people go so far
as to scrape the skin off the camembert and roll it into chapelure
before serving.
The table napkin is not folded
after finishing the meal. A small compliment may be given to
the hostess once during the meal, but generally food and recipe
talk at the table is considered a crashing bore.
If you have survived the table
tests, you can go on to other typically French things such as
the kissing of hands. Asked if people still do that in this day
and age, Princess Kadaouroff replied :"I don't know anybody
who doesn't". Nevertheless the baise-main
is off limits for unmarried women, women wearing gloves and women
in public places.
One of the worst faux pas you
can make in France is to drop in on a friend, even, and especially,
your best one. Says a high-placed interpreter at the Quai d'Orsay
: "The French don't like to have unexpected visitors. When
they entertain, they like to be seen at their best. Otherwise,
they like to be left alone when at home." Says the Princess
:"Even your best friend may have a secret." Phoning
after 9 p.m. and before 10 a.m. is also to be avoided.
Anothr gaffe you can make is
forgetting your French friend's name days. On the given day,
Marie or Pierre or Henri should get at least a phone call if
not a little gift. If you're not up on your saints, go out an
buy a calendar. Name days are as important to the French as birthdays
are to the rest of us.
Offer lillies of the valley on
May Day and don't forget to not only wish everyone you know a
Happy New Year, but shake hands at the same time. Never say bonjour
without following it by Monsieur or Madame and never say "M'ssieurs
Dames" - definitely low-class.
Another no9no is to call people
by their first names upon first meeting them (or even ten years
after, in some cases). A American who has lived in France 20
years sums up the French love of titles in the following story.
"One day my husband was talking with an acquaintance of
some ten years, the president of a large French company. When
asked what the real difference between France and America was,
my husband decided to be frank : Well, Monsieur le Président,
if we were in America, I would be calling you Georges, not Monsieur
le Président". According to the wife, this was the
end of the conversation and the relationship. A bit exceptional
- but when in doubt, never hesitate to use a title.
What is politesse ? According
to a French woman who works in protocol in a large international
organization, "The Englishman is more sincere in his politeness
than the Frenchman. The Englishman is polite to everybody whereas
the Frenchman reserves his politesse for the people he knows.
Just look at how people act in the metro and in department stores."
According to the interpreter at the Quai d'Orsay, the French
are "more sensitive to little acts of thoughfulness (a phone
call after a dinner party, a small gift) than are Americans."
Curiously enough, there is no
French Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt. Perhaps because everyone
already knows how to act? More likely because in France ça
se fait and ça ne se fait pas are the passwords to politesse.
If you're lucky, you'll marry into a French family and find out
the hard way. If not - relax - being a foreigner is your best
excuse.
(Paris Metro 25 Sept. 1979 by Harriet
Welty Rochefort).
To intercultural
To table
of contents
|
