DOs & DON'Ts
 Useful tips on life in France

  • Table manners, a few tips if you are invited for dinner : don't come too early, don't eat too much of the first course, don't leave food on your plate, speak lightly (and avoid money and religion...), don't say "Bon appêtit" (it has become a little ridiculous), etc... (more tips on wine, bread and cheese). For more details, read "Don't Eat Your Soup With a Fork", an anthology of faux-pas ! Read specific DOs and DONTs about cheese, wine and bread.
  • Restaurant manners : don't order only one dish (if you are not hungry, don't go!), don't drink soft drinks or coffee with a good meal, never ask for a doggy bag, don't try to order things you find only at home : ask for what people here eat or drink. An important difference between French and Americans : it is NOT very classy to share the bill on the principle of "who had what". If you are three and your share, divide the bill by three and don't go into shocking details like "did you have coffee ?" etc... See why.
  • Corporate manners : build relations instead of procedures, do not try to mix professional life and private life, do not expect too much from meetings, if you want to convince try to look smart (rather than efficient), don't take it for granted that everybody should speak English, don't be too informal until you're sure it's OK ... More about working with the French.
  • More to come... 
  • Talk to the boss : France is a very hierachical society : if you are unhappy in a shop or with a client or a supplier, do not waste time talking to someone who does not feel responsible....
  • Driving manners : you may insult other drivers : it is part of the game, do not drive too slowly, you may bump (gently!) other cars while parking, do not remain on the left lane on expressways and do not take lanes too seriously in town, etc... See more on driving.
  • Men-women relations : do not consider machism French men treating women with consideration : it is galanterie.... Don't rebuke them!
  • Bureaucratic manners : try to make the bureaucrat interested in your case, as a challenge to his/her ideal of "service public", never invoke common sense, play by the rules : bring all the papers required, etc..., do not threaten, do not say "I pay taxes therefore... etc...", don't say "in my country, we don't need that..."
  • DON'T be a prey for pickpockets : Americans are very vulnerable. Read a few NONOs.
  • More useful tips

Expats : DO adjust to France and the French!
  • DON'T live (only) among expats : you have the opportunity to live in a foreign country and if you only meet your compatriots, you may as well be in Dubaï or Tokyo. Do not transmit stereotypes about the French if you meet them only at work or in shops. There are nice people in France too and French life has good sides (not only food and wine...)!
  • DON'T judge before making an effort to understand ! There is always a reason to explain people's behavior : first understand, then criticize... For instance, don't be shocked if somebody does not give you his name when any American would have done it : it may be a matter of privacy.
  • DO speak French : forget CNN or BBC, watch TV and try to read a French newspaper : you'll improve your French and understand better the French if you don't look at them through other people's eyes.
  • DON'T deal only with people who deal ONLY with expats (doctors, lawyers, dentists, plumbers, cleaning ladies,...) : they probably charge expat prices.... A doctor who speaks English is not necessarily a better doctor!
  • More to come...

Miss Manners

A few years ago Harriet Welty Rochefort, author of French Toast and French Fried, wrote a "Miss Manners" column for a club she belongs to (the AAWE or Association of American Wives of Europeans which, despite its rather 1950s name is a remarkable association of women who do very useful work in the fields of citizenship and bilingualism for Americans abroad). She received letters such as the following which may give an idea of the fun kinds of cultural differences you can run across when you're an American living in France. Here goes:

 On "tu" and "vous"

Dear Miss Manners,

I know you've written about "tu" and "vous" in your column but I have a specific problem. Do you use "tu" to your babysitter when she's not that much younger than you are? She calls me "vous" and it makes me feel funny. On the other hand, I wonder if I lose whatever authority I have if I tell her to use "tu" to me. And I think it's positively feudal if I call her "tu" and she calls me "vous". So far I've skirted the issue by avoiding the personal pronoun but this can't go on much longer.

Frustrated

 Dear Frustrated,

My, how complicated! Some people don't have this kind of problem because they are spontaneous "tu" or "vous" users. The rest of us wander about in a grey area much as you are in right now. In your particular case, you really have to play it by ear. Do what seems to come naturally and, incidentally, it is not all that feudal if she calls you "vous" and you call her "tu" - after all, even if you're not that far apart in age, you're still older - and you're the boss. Bon courage!

Miss Manners

 On the "baise-main"

Dear Miss Manners,

Boy, was my gorgeous 24-year-old daughter floored when she was given a baise-main by a dashing Frenchman about twice her age. I was told, however, that the baise-main is not to be given to a single woman - which she is. What are the rules? And why do some of my compatriots feel that hand-kissing is creepy? I like it. It is so deliciously decadent.

Decadent.

 Dear Decadent,

It's true that there are certain rules governing the baise-main. First of all, it is never to be done in a public place (a sidewalk, for example). Second of all, it is reserved to married women. The man is to gently touch his lips to a slightly raised hand (not slobber all over them) and he can execute a slight bow as well. As for being creepy, I leave that to the judgement of our readers. In Miss Manners' opinion, when done discreetly and in the right circumstances, it is quite charming indeed.

Miss Manners

 Harriet has had the privilege of speaking to Elder Hostel groups in Paris and has been able to appreciate their very pertinent questions about the French. They ask everything from "why is food such an icon in France?" (see our pages on recipes or our tips on food !) to "how is the social security and retirement system set up?" She was delighted to see their interest in comparing the two cultures and tried to answer their questions as best she could. We'd like to open up this page to YOUR questions about the French. The best ones will be published in our selection of questions.

Feel free to share your personal anecdotes and stories about the French with us. Many of the people in the Elder Hostel groups have told her that they were "afraid" to come to France because of the arrogant reputation the French have....and were pleasantly surprised to find that people were exceedingly, even amazingly helpful. We'd love to hear your personal stories and hope they're as positive! Click here for examples of what Americans living in France like the most.

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Harriet Welty Rochefort writes articles and books about France and the French. Order her books :

  • "French Toast, An American in Paris Celebrates The Maddening Mysteries of the French", St.Martin's Press, New York, 1999
  • "French Fried, The Culinary Capers of An American in Paris", St.Martin's Press, New York, 2001
  • "French Toast - Heureuse comme une Américaine en France", Ramsay, Paris 2005

More on Harriet's books (excerpts, upcoming events, testimonials, etc..)

Together or separately, Harriet and Philippe speak about Intercultural Differences : click here for information.

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